There is much conflicting information about how viewing pornography can affect a relationship. Some experts conclude that porn is not inherently harmful, while others provide a laundry list of the potential damage it can cause.
How does porn affect relationships? The answer may depend largely on your personal values and beliefs about sexual behavior. For some people, knowing a partner is viewing porn feels like a form of infidelity.
Easy access through electronic devices combined with isolation during the COVID-19 pandemic may have increased the number of people accessing porn today. A cultural shift also adds to the impact, as more people find pornography morally acceptable than they have in the past, especially people in younger generations.
Reasons Why People Use Porn
According to most mental health experts, occasional porn use is not a concern, but it is possible to cross the line into compulsive use, known as problematic porn use (PPU).
One study that included straight, gay, and bisexual men and women found there are several motivating reasons for people to use porn, including:
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Sexual gratification
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Fulfillment of fantasy
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Boredom
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Self-exploration
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Sexual curiosity
For many people, the question, “How does porn affect relationships?” becomes a more serious concern when use is problematic. When PPU is a factor, people tend to have different motivations for using pornography, including:
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Alleviating withdrawal or agitation
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Seeking different types of porn to overcome tolerance
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Experiencing mood modification or emotional distraction
Men and women use pornography equally when it comes to self-exploration and curiosity, but men are more likely to be motivated by sexual pleasure and fantasy than women are. People with PPU reported emotional distraction and agitation (stress relief) as the top reasons for porn use.
How Does Porn Affect Relationships? Here Are Six Ways
The use of pornography has increased sharply since the COVID-19 pandemic. The sites OnlyFans and Pornhub both report a traffic uptick of as high as 75%. As more people use pornography sites and other forms of sexually explicit material, more couples are reporting that it is causing relationship problems.
1. Creates Unrealistic Expectations
Watching porn gives you unrealistic ideas about how people should look, behave, and express their sexuality. You may forget that pornography is performed by paid actors who have been given directions on what to do and how to act. Editing can make encounters look much different than they actually are.
Comparing yourself or your partner to people in porn videos may cause feelings of inadequacy.
2. Decreases Self-Esteem
The men and women featured in mainstream porn are typically young and attractive. Their body proportions are often exaggerated, and their stamina appears to be endless. Comparing yourself to a paid sexual performer can cause self-esteem issues.
3. Creates Jealousy
When one or both partners uses porn, the other can become jealous, even if they know the reaction is irrational. The idea of a partner getting sexual satisfaction or in some way connecting sexually with another man or woman — even if they have not touched in person — can be hurtful and damaging to the relationship.
If one partner believes the other is being dishonest about their porn use, it can cause feelings of mistrust that creep into other aspects of married life. One spouse may question the other’s fidelity or overall honesty, especially if their partner lies about the type or amount of porn they are consuming.
4. Decreases Emotional Intimacy
Watching or using porn frequently can lead to emotional numbness, which leaves you emotionally unavailable to your partner. People with PPU may feel “checked out” during sex because they are thinking about pornographic images instead of connecting to their partner.
Porn can substitute for sex, but it may also be a substitute for the emotional bond most people want in sexual intimacy.
5. Decreases Satisfaction
Some couples may enjoy the “spicy” effects of using porn, but most married people actually report feeling less satisfied with their love life when porn is a factor. Trust and self-esteem issues, as well as jealousy and insecurities, can lead to less interest in sexual activity and less satisfying encounters when they happen.
6. Worsens Mental Health
Not only does porn affect relationships, but it can also affect a person’s overall mental health. Researchers found that the guilt, shame, and distress some people experience while viewing porn can impact their emotional health.
Attitudes toward sexuality are a factor in how porn affects mental health. One study published by the American Sociological Association found that consuming porn was more likely to trigger symptoms of depression if the consumer believed they were doing something morally wrong.
Is Porn Addiction a Real Problem?
There is no official diagnosis of pornography addiction. However, people can use porn compulsively or problematically (PPU). Excessive porn use could be a red flag for behaviors that are similar to behaviors seen in people with addictions.
Some of the similarities between compulsion and addiction include:
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Porn triggers the brain’s reward center in the same way as drugs or alcohol
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Co-occurring conditions may be present
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Compulsive porn use can cause distress and reduce a person’s quality of life
Despite these similarities, many experts still believe that an individual’s own moral judgment about their behavior or that of others is the root of the problem.
How Does Porn Affect Marriage? You Get to Decide
The bottom line is if your porn use or that of your partner is causing a problem in your relationship, it’s a valid issue. Each person comes to a relationship with their own beliefs and attitudes toward sexuality.
If you and your partner disagree about the place of pornography in your relationship, there are steps you can take to resolve the problem.
Start by having an honest discussion about your feelings about pornography. Avoid using emotionally charged language that might make the other person feel guilty or ashamed.
If needed, you could agree to install a porn-blocking app on your shared e-devices or seek a therapist’s help to repair any damage.
“How does porn affect marriage?” is truly a personal question that each couple must deal with in their own way.