A larger percentage of adults in the U.S. are viewing pornography as morally acceptable than ever before, according to a Gallup Poll. In one year (2017 to 2018), the favorability level rose seven percentage points, from 36% to 43%. Despite the general trend toward acceptance, for many couples, the impact of porn on relationships is negative.
While an individual may have liberal views about pornography being acceptable, that view may change when they learn their partner is using porn. This is especially true if the partner has been dishonest about their porn use or the type of material they are viewing.
There is no doubt that pornography can cause harm. Sex performers are often exploited, and even occasional viewing of sexually explicit material can damage the trust in a relationship. As our society’s understanding of sexual abuse grows, more attention is given to the ethics of the industry and the effects of porn on relationships.
The Effects of Pornography on Marriage
Every person has a right to their opinion about pornography and accessing porn. Some couples find that viewing porn together or separately enhances their intimate relationship, but that is not the case for most people.
A study published by the Journal of Sex Research found that most partners in a committed relationship felt the effects of pornography on marriage were negative.
The study questioned 6,000 couples and found that men are only slightly more accepting of porn from a moral standpoint but are three times more likely to view pornographic materials.
It also concluded that the solo use of porn on days when the couple had sex led to more sexual distress. Both men and women reported increased feelings of inadequacy and lowered sexual satisfaction after they viewed porn.
There was some positive impact of porn on relationships in this study. Pornography use by couples was associated with improved sexual openness and sex positivity and helped couples talk about their sexual fantasies. The study noted that using porn is not the only way to inspire open discussions about sexuality.
5 Negative Effects of Porn on Relationships
The number of men and women accessing porn has increased sharply in the last several years. Easy availability through the internet and the isolation experienced during COVID-19 are both credited for the incline. As use increases, so does the number of couples who report that porn is causing a problem in their relationship.
Consider these negative effects of pornography on marriage.
1. Creates Unrealistic Expectations
Porn is a scripted performance by paid actors. Real sex is not the same as scenes that directors designed specifically to appeal to popular fantasies and preferences. Watching porn can give people unrealistic expectations of how their partners should act, look, and be willing or able to do.
2. Lowers Self-Esteem
Poor self-image is one of the most devastating effects of porn on marriage dynamics. Pornography use in a relationship can lower the self-esteem of both partners.
Women and men may compare themselves to porn actors and feel they are less attractive, capable, or desirable. When one partner uses porn, the other may feel jealous even though they know it is irrational. Feeling jealous also lowers self-esteem.
3. Creates Distrust
If one partner believes the other is being dishonest about their porn use, it can cause feelings of mistrust that creep into other aspects of married life. One spouse may question the other’s fidelity or overall honesty, especially if their partner lies about the type or amount of porn they are consuming.
4. Damages Emotional Intimacy
Frequent or problematic porn use can cause users to shut down and become emotionally unavailable to their partner. Porn can serve as a substitute for sex, but it also substitutes the emotional bond that is gained through sexual intimacy.
If one partner is having their emotional needs met elsewhere, they are less open and receptive to another person. This type of emotional infidelity is as hurtful as physical infidelity and can destroy a relationship.
5. Decreases Satisfaction
While one of the positive effects of porn on marriage is to add a little “spice” in the bedroom, most couples report that it has the opposite effect. The unrealistic expectations, eroding trust, loss of self-esteem, and other forms of damage that porn can cause far outweigh any sexual pluses for most married people, especially when only one partner is using porn.
Is Porn Use Impacting Your Relationship?
The effects of porn on marriages can be far-reaching. When sexual and emotional intimacy suffers, communication and trust begin to break down. Without an intervention of some sort, your relationship can become too damaged to repair. If both people are willing to work toward a healthier relationship, healing is possible.
Consider these tips for repairing the negative effects of pornography on marriage:
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Be honest about how porn has created problems for you
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Discuss how pornography use makes you feel
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Avoid judgment or shaming, and listen to your partner with compassion
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Revaluate your values as a married couple
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Talk about what life would be like without pornography
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Consider what there is to gain from avoiding pornography
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Take responsibility for your own reactions
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Go on a “porn fast” for 30 days and discuss the pros and cons of living porn-free
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Consider using a porn-blocking app on all electronic devices
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Find ways to connect emotionally as a couple
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Seek couples therapy
If one or both partners is unwilling or unable to limit their porn viewing, it may indicate a bigger mental health problem. Compulsive or problematic porn use is a real mental health condition that may require treatment.
You can minimize the impact of porn on relationships by practicing honest communication. Even if one or both partners are willing to stop looking at porn, the damage caused by its use doesn’t just go away.
Like many distressing events in life, porn use may reveal something deeper that’s happening in your relationship. While it can be painful, it is also an opportunity to improve your emotional and sexual intimacy.